Have you come across the important point that our brains can’t really process a negative?

This is why, if you tell your kids “don’t spill that milk” - you actually increase your chances of needing to clear up!
Instead of processing the “don’t”, their little minds immediately start wondering what it’d be like to spill the milk?, how far will it go?, will it feel the same as water?, etc, etc.

Adults are the same.
Try this one out for yourself:

“Don’t think of an elephant”

- how did you do?

There’s a name for this phenomenon, but I forget it and can’t really be bothered to look it up, because I really wanted to write about the fire safety sign I saw in the motorway services the other day. Here are some of the things it featured - and bear in mind as you read this, that we’ve been talking about our brain’s inability to process a negative:

“In the event of fire:

…do not panic

…do not stop to collect your belongings

…do not return to the building until allowed by a fire marshall

…do not run…”

I bet there’s more examples of this on other signs as well.

Why is so much effort put into telling us what not to do, when our brains don’t even get what a “don’t” is?

Would it really be so awful to ask people to:

…stay calm

…leave stuff behind

…stay outside until told otherwise

…walk briskly?

I’ve got a pet theory of my own about the reason we have so many more negative exhortations. My theory is that it takes much more responsibility on behalf of the requestor to ask people TO do something than it does to ask them NOT to do something.

If I tell you not to run when there’s a fire and you do anything else, well, that’s your fault mate. But if I ask you to “walk briskly” when there’s a fire - and walking briskly turns out to be inappropriate, then potentially I’m to blame; I have more responsibility.

What’s your view on this?

Is there a connection between negative and positive requests and responsibility on behalf of the requestor?

Had an email last month from a business friend in response to my earlier posts about confidence. With his permission I’ve published it here. I was trying to figure out how to get it into this blog as a comment - and can’t, so I'’ve just cut’n'paste it.

John makes a really clear point about the importance to our confidence of taking on a challenge. I think we all need to “win” at something in order to really understand confidence.

Nick

Many thanks for the monthly updates. I appreciate your blog and your points about confidence. As an anecdote  on the subject, I took part in a very low level triathlon a month ago and beat a business rival of mine at the shooting and running and did well against him at the swimming. I won the class event as well as the shooting and running outright. I have definitely ‘felt’ much more confident and ‘buoyant’ (no pun intended) ever since.  I hope it lasts!

Kind regards

Professionally-speaking, I’m not a big fan of New Year’s Resolutions.

Seems to me that there’s just too much pressure on people to judge themselves harshly when they don’t quite live-up to the resolution. Or else too much “should” and “must” creeps into the resolutions themselves - like: “I must make this the year I get a better job”, or “I should be a better person, so from now on I resolve to …” (fill in the blank).

What I am a big fan of, is using this time of year to take stock, remember one’s place in the ‘big picture’ of things and to create something of a ‘pull’ towards the future.

SO, I thought I might put a few ideas here on how to do those - kind of an alternative to those New Year’s Resolutions:

Taking Stock
For most of us, this time of year is a real whirl. If you want to, just stop for a few moments. I mean, even now, just STOP. Shut the door, turn the phone off, close your email programme.
Experience silence and stillness, just for a few moments.

And from there, what has this year been about for you?

• What were the highs and lows?
• What did you achieve, what did you fail at?
• What pains and pleasures did you experience?
• What have you forgotten; what have you learnt?

And lastly, how will you mark the passing of this year?

Remember Your Place in the ‘Big Picture’ of Things
You know, it’s amazing how many roles we all have.
Just sitting here now I’m a father, brother, son, husband, boss, employee, businessperson, customer, writer, coach, friend, colleague, spokesperson, neighbour, …

How about you; what are some of the roles you have?

Look at all the ways you connect with the rest of the world. So many intersections, so many roles and places to inhabit - so many demands!

As you go about those roles, what’s your purpose?

• What’s your purpose as a father or mother?
• What’s your purpose as a leader, as a colleague, as a customer?

And what about the KIND of person you are?
Does who you are make a difference in those roles?

Bright Future
The third thing which is really cool to do at this time of year, is to create a positive pull towards the future. Doing this is like building turbo-charged resolutions on steriods, only better.

Imagine you and I meet up for a beer or a coffee in three or four year’s time and we get talking about good old 2007.

It turns out that 2007 was a great year for both of us.
Everything just seemed to click into place; it felt like we couldn’t put a foot wrong.
It was like the scales fell away from our eyes and we could see so clearly what and how we needed to do. 2007 was bright and full of colour.
All the things that people had been saying to us suddenly made sense; all year we were hearing the things we needed to hear.

Sitting there in that bar in three or four year’s time, we’re amazed that 2007 turned out so well for both of us. “I know”, you say, “Let’s both grab a beermat and write about what it was that made 2007 so good for us.”

And if you don’t have a beermat handy, a napkin, email or even a piece of paper will work just as well…

We took our son to a great wildlife photography exhibition at Manchester Museum yesterday.

And it made me realise I was feeling out of touch with the rythms of things - not just the natural world, but also Christmas and stuff. Maybe it’s just a bloke thing, but Christmas always seems to catch me by surprise.

I remember reading a book (think it was Stendhal’s “The Scarlet and Black“), in which the central character is so self-obsessed that he manages to get annoyed by some commotion on the streets of Paris; the streets are blocked and he can’t get where he wants to go. He’s so outside the stream of everyday events that he doesn’t even realise the French Revolution is taking place!

Often it’s a good thing for me to be outside that stream. It lets me have a healthy and rewarding life and a work pattern that doesn’t seem available to a lot of people. Yet sometimes it goes too far and I end up strangely disconnected; unable to influence or join those ‘bigger’ events.

At those times, the natural world is a great way for me to “re-synchronise” with the stream of things.

We came home, hung-up a new bird-feeder in our garden, checked-out what events are happening in our town over Christmas, looked-up the date for the winter solstice (22 December) and waited till dark to see what phase the moon was in [click here for moon phases].

Feeling a bit luvved-up today.

No real reason (does there have to be?); just every now and then I wake up and remember that I do actually quite like being alive - that’s when the old luvved-up thing happens and as well as quite liking myself and thinking it’s a cool world to live in, I might even start smiling at strangers in the street; you know, crazy stuff like that.

It’s all in Shakespeare anyway:

Love sought is good, but given unsought is better

Twelfth Night - Act 3, scene 1